Trigger Warning Blogs

Trigger Warning!!!  Talks of self harm and thoughts and attempt of suicide.  I sat there on the floor with my back against my bed. A knife I took from the kitchen held to my wrist. I held it there.  Trying to talk myself into finally making that cut. I had written the notes so many times to my family. Saying how hard my life was.  *ring ring* I am rather annoyed that the phone is ringing. I pick it up and I answer it. It was my friend System. He could sense I was not ok and called me. I dropped the knife and began to cry. Told him everything about what had led up to that moment.  I was about 14 years old. Over a course of a couple of years from 13-15. Maybe a little bit later I would attempt that a total of three times. A couple of times I’d begin the cut and the phone would ring. Each time it was System calling to check on me. Each time, he talked me out of it.  We are both well into our 40s. Each year I try to message him thanking him for saving me. If he...

  A week ago I found out that my rapist has resurfaced after two years of not hearing about him. This whole time I had thought I was safe. I learned this past week that I am never safe when someone like that is on the loose. I have been thinking about that and what my therapist and I had talked about. Something is striking me.  The thing is I don’t feel safe. I haven’t felt safe since I knew about this reappearance. I have felt lost, out of control, angry, and so many other emotions. I kept hearing “think of the positive”. I had tried, oh, I had tried. I tried to focus on me saving someone and not staying silent. That I saved the person from going through something that I did. The trauma that I did. Yet, it was hard too.  My PTSD was in flair. I could only focus on one thing. It was how do I get out of this safely. It wasn’t until therapy that I could release some of the tears. Even though I tried desperately to stop them. They still fell from my eyes. I didn’t know my bo...

Original Post   The thing about predators is they can’t stay hidden. They won’t stay hidden for long. I have wanted to write a letter to one of my attackers for days now. Reminding him what he did to him in 2016. How he almost killed me that day in the car. That day for some reason is haunting me right now. I have no clue why. Then I have this predator who is local. Who is hurting women and they leave the community and no one knows why. They don’t see him, how I do. I feel like it’s my job to warn every female out there about this guy. Then in reality it’s not my job. Nor is it your job to let people know when someone has hurt you in that way. As survivors we think we need to. We think we need to save this world. Then this weight gets added on to us. That we can’t get rid of so easily. This predator I know really is one. The proof I have is undeniable. I won’t just share it with anyone. Those who needed to know, know about it. At times like now I wish I could just share it and say ...

Original Post   One thing in life I’m trying to desperately learn is that my trauma doesnt define me. It does change me. I had childhood trauma starting at age 12 through 16 years old. By various guys who I thought were important to me. Then when I got married I thought my life would get better. I didn’t even know I was living in a domestic violence home until three years before my divorce. It had been going on for years. When I entered into the lifestyle, it hasn’t been kind either to me. When I was raped in 2016 by my first Dom someone asked me “why didn’t you go to the police?” I had many reasons behind it. I didn’t want to face him. Let alone go through all the crap of the details of the rape. I hoped he would leave me alone. Not only was I raped it turned into cyber stalking by this Dom. When I tried to go to the police on stalking. They told me “it’s through email and text messaging. We won’t do anything”. Really?!? He is starting to become threatening and you can’t do anythi...

  Original Post Sexual Penstration by state law states: “Sexual Penetration, 720 ILCS 5/11-0.1 "Sexual penetration" means any contact, however slight, between the sex organ or anus of one person and an object or the sex organ, mouth, or anus of another person, or any intrusion, however slight, of any part of the body of one person or of any animal or object into the sex organ or anus of another person, including, but not limited to, cunnilingus, fellatio, or anal penetration. Evidence of emission of semen is not required to prove sexual penetration.“  https://wecare.illinois.edu/policies/definitions/ My road began back in June. Where I came forward on here and said I was raped. To this day I believe I was. No matter how slight or major the rape was. Consent was never given. I learned recently that even with our privates touching before the act it was considered penetration. As I am dealing with this person matter, that came out. Back in June I knew certain details happened. A...

Original Post   "Can you not have sex with guys?" "I wasn't trying to rape you" "I'm use to girls that do consensual non consensual" That is what I heard after I was raped. I went to a friends house who just happened to be a Dom. I met them at a local munch. I started to talk to them on FB before I went to their house. I got no feelings of not feeling safe. I told him up front I was not there to have sex. I wanted to get to know him as a person. Not on a D/s level.  I have a screenshot of me saying no sex I sent a friend of mine a safe word for calls and texts, their FL name, their FB name, their picture, and their address. I sent them everything. If the person wasn't sitting outside I would have taken a picture of their car too. I felt a little weird doing that. I took everything I learned from just a few years before into place. I checked in with my friend and my mom. We made dogs on the grill and went up to his room. Where the AC was on and ...