Trigger Warning Blogs

  Since the age of 13 years of age I have been self harming. I am now 42 years of age. I go through spells of where I don’t at all. I went 12 years without self harming. Then my car accident happened in 2016. I stopped again in 2019. Here it is 2024, I find myself struggling more and more not to.  I use my coping skill and my self-care techniques all the time. They just distract me for a few moments. Then I am back where I was.  Battling depression and the urge to grab the tool I have always used. Once I leave my bedroom, I have access to it all. May 2013,2024 I was in a car accident again. That triggered my PTSD and my night terrors. I have yet to get them fully under control. The doctors tried giving me sleep medications. It doesn’t work. I am awake within 2-4 hours after taking it. I am the lowest dose. What’s worse is the hangover from the drug.  Things just keep happening. From being told I can’t trust anyone, having people act like I can’t do a good job at work...

  I was asked recently if I could remeber the first time when I started to struggle with food. The answer to that was yes.  I remember being asked why I was eating an apple. An apple out of all things I could have grabbed from the kitchen that day. I grabbed a healthy item. Later on I remember asking my mom why would my step-dad ask such things?  She came up with excuses like “maybe it was too close to dinner.” Even if it was, there was better ways to approach a young girl in grade school about food.  I remember in 2nd grade going to weight watcher meetings with my mom. I remember being told I needed to drink so much water. Day. I did my best in doing so.  Until I got that substitute teacher that told me I was drinking too much water. I needed to stop. I tried to explain to them why I needed to drink it. It didn’t matter.  Starting in grade school I begin to have massive issues with food. I was already bullied for my weight. Now, let’s add on these two ...

  Over the last month or so I have had a really hard time eating. I have always had points in my life where eating was a struggle. As long as I can remember, eating hasn’t been easy. I remember being told I ate too much as a child. By the time high school came around I was only eating one meal a day. By adulthood I’d go days without eating or with very little food.  I have been barely able to choke down small amounts of food over the last month. When I see food, look at food, or even smell food my first instinct is to get sick. It takes all I have not to get sick. Last night was no different for me. I got some nachos from a place we go sometimes. It was a large-ish amount. I did finish them. For me I was proud I ate all of my food. It took a lot of effort for me to do so. I got some carrot cake to eat. I was starting to eat that. When I hear this, Person: “Did you finish all your nachos?” Me: “yes” Person: “all of it” Me: “yes” Person: looks at me and says “oh, ok then” You ar...

The memories flood back  As if they never left They need space  The words of I’m Sorry Escape their lips as they try and fix it Too late I am crushed They walked out the door Back to their wife Me,  ever good enough Too much Too needy Too something All the time, I’m too…. I don’t know this time My world crashed again As I hear the same words They need a little space The marriage needs work I am left again standing there With nowhere to go Feeling like the storm cloud over my head is about to explode The tears fall instead Redness fills my cheeks As I hear those words I am told again that the space is needed All I do is make people feel disappointed  Feel bad  Feel hurt All I am is too much Too needy Too something  All I do is cause pain to people I tend to find people who I can’t have Who tell me what I want to hear The truth never escapes their mouth Maybe that day it did maybe that did the truth was believed Today it’s all taken back I am made to feel lik...

  Going 70 mph down a 6 lane interstate.  3 lanes going one way while the other 3 going the other.  I am driving to a busy side of town with someone in the car with me.  Not much of a care in the world.  This interstate has been known to have road construction on it off and on.  It was no big surprise to see people on the side of the road. What I didn’t expect was someone in a green reflective vest to dart in front of me trying to run across three lanes.  Here I am going 70 and I have to slam on my brakes and pray no one will hit me.  I don’t hit them. Naturally, I freak out as I continue to drive down the road.  What I didn’t expect was to be thrown into a PTSD attack like I did.  My chest began to hurt, I had trouble breathing, I was shaking, and I couldn’t concentrate.  It didn’t help that the passenger in the car acted like it was nothing.  They know the history I have with cars and people.  They had the nerve to ask m...