PTSD

 Going 70 mph down a 6 lane interstate.  3 lanes going one way while the other 3 going the other.  I am driving to a busy side of town with someone in the car with me.  Not much of a care in the world.  This interstate has been known to have road construction on it off and on.  It was no big surprise to see people on the side of the road. What I didn’t expect was someone in a green reflective vest to dart in front of me trying to run across three lanes.  Here I am going 70 and I have to slam on my brakes and pray no one will hit me.  I don’t hit them.

Naturally, I freak out as I continue to drive down the road.  What I didn’t expect was to be thrown into a PTSD attack like I did.  My chest began to hurt, I had trouble breathing, I was shaking, and I couldn’t concentrate.  It didn’t help that the passenger in the car acted like it was nothing.  They know the history I have with cars and people.  They had the nerve to ask me what was wrong.  When I said “didn’t you see that person I almost hit?”  They were like “oh yeah.”  

On the way back to work from where I was going I had someone pull out in front of me.  Then on my way home I almost hit a truck. The attacks just kept coming.  One after another after another.  By the time I got home I was still shaking and trying so hard to be able to breathe.  Two hours later I finally calmed down and I ended up crashing in my chair while I waited for someone.

Yesterday on my way home from work I almost hit a 1 to 2 year old toddler.  The little baby was just walking down their driveway.  I saw no parent on site as I slammed on my brakes just in time.  I had people looking at me like I did the wrong thing.  I wasn’t texting or driving.  I was just listening to music. That was all I was doing.  

When I got home I could barely get my car in park.  I wasn’t able to breathe, my chest was hurting, I was shaking, and I was rocking back and forth.  I couldn’t stand anything.  I had to take off what I could while I was sitting outside.  I had to remove my keys from my side since I felt like I did something wrong. About 30 minutes had past and I had to call 988.  That was even harder to do.

I called them because I was admitting once again I was having a PTSD attack.  I didn’t know how to stop it from getting worse.  I could feel myself shutting down.  I felt myself closing up, almost feeling like I was going into shock.  Just like I did back on that in 2016.  I told the crisis center about my accident.  Just so they had an idea why this was affecting me so terribly.  They also asked me if I was a vet.  I get why, but at the same time not everyone is a vet who has PTSD.

I was on the phone with 988 for about 40 minutes before I found the energy to go inside my home.  Where I felt like I could get out of my car.  Beforehand I felt like I couldn’t even move.  To make things worse, it was this morning.  I was freaking out about driving my daughter somewhere.  It took all I could to drive there.  To even think about getting in the car.

PTSD is real.  PTSD shows itself in many forms.  For me its shaking, chest hurting, rocking back and forth, playing the scenes over and over in my head. It’s the fidgeting.  It’s all the normal stuff you could say.  I used to know how to get out of it so easily.  Now, they are back and they are like 10 times worse than they ever have been. The joys of living with mental health.