Replaceable

 I struggled this weekend with abandonment. My whole life I have had people just leave me. I have been replaceable so to speak. As I sat in therapy today I really struggled to go through today's session. I even looked at my therapist and I said “I want to quit.”

I had tears streaming down my face thinking about everything that had corresponded this weekend. How I felt about my actions. All I could do was cry. This weekend I thought everyone had left me. Everyone abandoned me. Once again I was left alone. When I took a second to breathe I realized that wasn’t the case. 

I was adopted when I was about 8 years old. My last name was legally changed to my step-dad. When my mom and my step-dad got a divorce he didn’t fight for me. He just allowed my mom to take me. He could have fought for me. I was 16 years of age when they got a divorce. I was pushing 17. Even though I knew deep down it wasn’t because of me, I still believed it was me. 

Later on my mom remarried. She was with this guy for nearly 11 years. I got along with him. He felt I was always treated differently than his kids. My mom did what she could to support his kids who lived overseas. After 11 years of marriage, they divorced. I was now into my 20s. Once again, I thought it was because of me why they divorced. 

My whole childhood I had people treat me differently in front of their friends than when they were with me. I had many friends who I became close to. Several of them moved away. That wasn’t my fault. I lost friends due to me pushing them away. I was tired of being hurt. 

By the time I was married my relationship was unhealthy. It was all about my ex husband. About his needs and his wants. No matter what I did it was never good enough.  Not even going to therapy was enough for him. 

When I got served the divorce papers I felt so replaceable. I was devastated. I didn’t understand how he could throw away 14 years of marriage. How he could throw in the towel when I was trying so hard. Was it not good enough?  Why was I so replaceable?

When 2018 rolled around I got involved in a serious relationship. I was with the guy for nearly a year and half. Just a few days after Christmas in 2019 he broke up with me. Once again I was left with feeling why wasn’t I enough. After everything I gave I was no longer enough. I was never enough. I would have never been enough for him. No matter what I did. 

The thing is in 2016 my ex husband moved to another room and stayed there til our divorce. He wanted to work on him and have me change. I did whatever I could do to work on myself. It wasn’t enough. With my ex after him he kept going off the radar. Going a week or longer and not talk to me. No matter what I did I was feeling abandoned by people I loved. 

From my step-dads to my significant others my whole life it has been this way. That’s not including my real dad popping in and out of my life. When he got married he stopped talking to me. Once again, I was replaced by someone else. 

Each time I felt these feelings of being alone I was replaced by someone else. It never stopped these feelings. I wish they did. The anger and the tears would start to fill me. I just learned I couldn’t show emotion. I couldn’t show them the satisfaction. If I talked to them about it I was made to look crazy. 

As I sat in therapy today I was telling my therapist some of these things. As I felt once again unloved.  I felt like I lost the people around me. My body had a trauma response. When in fact none of that happened this weekend. My friends didn’t leave me. They were all there like always.