Feelings, What Are Those?

 A week ago I found out that my rapist has resurfaced after two years of not hearing about him. This whole time I had thought I was safe. I learned this past week that I am never safe when someone like that is on the loose. I have been thinking about that and what my therapist and I had talked about. Something is striking me. 

The thing is I don’t feel safe. I haven’t felt safe since I knew about this reappearance. I have felt lost, out of control, angry, and so many other emotions. I kept hearing “think of the positive”. I had tried, oh, I had tried. I tried to focus on me saving someone and not staying silent. That I saved the person from going through something that I did. The trauma that I did. Yet, it was hard too. 

My PTSD was in flair. I could only focus on one thing. It was how do I get out of this safely. It wasn’t until therapy that I could release some of the tears. Even though I tried desperately to stop them. They still fell from my eyes. I didn’t know my body needed that session until this morning. I slept a solid 11 hours. My body was overworked this week and I had no clue. 

One thing that is sticking with me is this. “He is smart. He won’t hurt you again.”  Now, granted that isn’t an exact quote. It made sense to me. After all the stuff I had gone through for an OOP (order of protection) in 2018. He will not have the nerves to mess with again. One would think he wouldn’t. Hearing that has made me think. 

The night I was raped I told the guy “you hurt me, you are messing with the wrong sub.”  I honestly think he thought I was joking. I posted about my rape in great detail on an open forum. I talked to people about it in my community. I had gone to the police after he threatened harm to me. I applied and won an OOP. In reality he would be smart and not try anything again with me. I will fight again. 

Hearing some of those words yesterday I think I had calmed my soul some. Today for the first time in a week. I woke up not terrified to leave my room. I woke up thinking I was going to be ok at some point. I didn’t feel as triggered. 

This evening as I type this up. It’s a different story. I find myself longing to be held. I want someone safe next to me. I want to feel safe yet again. I have to focus on the words “he isn’t going to hurt me again”.  I have to believe my friends when they say they will help keep me safe. I have to believe my therapist when he says I am safe. 

The longing for a safe person is there. My first instinct is to reach out to someone that I can not have. I wish I didn’t have that feeling. Part of me is thinking it’s just the brainwash the person caused on me. To make me feel safe when they were near. Without them here for comfort I have nothing, I’m lost. 

I reached out to my best friend who lives nearly 10,000 miles from me. He does what he can when he can. The physical touch isn’t there like I need. Then I feel like I’m not okay again once again. 

These feelings I know eventually will disappear. I will be able to be stronger. When people wonder why I’m so strong. It’s because I do a lot of things on my own. I feel so alone a lot of the time. During these times the paranoia kicks in. Do my friends really like me? Are they trying to get away from me when they leave? Do they not like me since they can’t respond? Maybe I’m just too much. 

Deep down I know these answers. When my brain gets triggered like it did last week. It then triggers all these other thoughts. One of these days I’ll be able to control them. Maybe, I’m not supposed to. Maybe, just maybe I'm supposed to feel them. 

Now, I need to learn to allow people in. Allow people to love me. Allow people to show me they care. Most of all, I need to learn to show my emotions and feelings. Allow a tear to fall.