September, Suicide Awareness Month

Trigger Warning!!!  Talks of self harm and thoughts and attempt of suicide. 

I sat there on the floor with my back against my bed. A knife I took from the kitchen held to my wrist. I held it there.  Trying to talk myself into finally making that cut. I had written the notes so many times to my family. Saying how hard my life was. 

*ring ring* I am rather annoyed that the phone is ringing. I pick it up and I answer it. It was my friend System. He could sense I was not ok and called me. I dropped the knife and began to cry. Told him everything about what had led up to that moment. 

I was about 14 years old. Over a course of a couple of years from 13-15. Maybe a little bit later I would attempt that a total of three times. A couple of times I’d begin the cut and the phone would ring. Each time it was System calling to check on me. Each time, he talked me out of it. 

We are both well into our 40s. Each year I try to message him thanking him for saving me. If he wouldn’t have called those nights, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here typing this blog out to you tonight. If my therapist find this (yes, I’m ok, I promise)

As tomorrow is September 1st 2022 it’s the start of a suicide awareness month. With September 10th being the day to spread awareness. Being a self harmer from the age of 12 years old. Then getting clean in my 20s. Just to relapse again in my 30s. Now I am clean since 2019 ish. Somewhere between 2018-2019 I have been clean. I celebrate the month. 

Not only because of me. Because my dad's mom killed herself in the 80s. So, I show awareness for her too. I believe things should have been different. If they were, who knows she may be alive. 

My whole teenage and adult life I have struggled with thoughts of suicide. I have struggled with wanting to go through it so many times. The self harm would keep it in check.  For at least a little bit. Now, blogging keeps it all in check. I know I am helping one person by sharing my story, my life, my struggles with the world. Showing I am human. Someone in the world does understand. 

Luckily now, meds, blogging, and an amazing support system keeps me balanced. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for System as a teenager. Even my baker friend as an adult. They both have played such huge roles in my life. Now my baker friend has played the biggest role. Being in my life for 6 years keeps me in check. 

I have a great therapist who has completely surprised me. I never thought I was going to get along with them. I have learned so much about myself this last year. Not only that, I have had my boss tell me how much I have grown. I give credit to my therapist for teaching me things I didn’t know. So I could put things into practice. How to look for things. I can hear them now. “Take the damn compliment, Tali” 😆 yeah, I’m still working on that. 

Tali isn't my real name but I use it for online purposes. 😆 you all get the idea anyway. 

One thing I have learned this year is this. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to have feelings and big feelings for that matter. It’s okay to express them. It’s okay to cry when you are frustrated or upset. This has been a huge breakthrough for me. This has been a huge part of my bottling and the triggers to my thoughts and my attempts. I am not perfect and I still bottle at times. I have found I get frustrated more easily and cry more easily. I blame my therapist. They will tell me it’s because I’m healing and growing. 😝 

September is a huge month for so many. It does remind us that it is ok to not be ok. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel things. It’s okay to be angry. It’s ok to talk about our problems and not feel ashamed about them. I know this is all easier said than done. Trust me. I’m still needing to be reminded. 

As you walk through this month. Remember to be an ear for a friend. Remind people it’s okay not to be okay. Remind them their feelings are valid and you are there if they need a friend. This is the month to show your support. Especially to those who suffer from mental illness. Those who struggle as the weather gets colder. 

If you need help please dial 988. That’s the new helpline number. 

I believe they use text or call.