Seven Years Ago

 7 years ago I got in a fight with my best friend. I left her house racing back home trying to figure out what I was going to do next and how to save a friendship. All at the same time. I had to pick up my daughter from Girl Scouts by 8pm. Here I was running late and about 10 minutes behind. I pulled into a gas station just about 8pm. I hit a 75 year old pedestrian as she was walking back to her car from paying for gas. That’s when my life changed. 

My then husband moved to another room. He couldn’t stand to look at me. I had another man in my car. One he didn’t like. From that moment he accused me of cheating and ruining our marriage. He never moved back to our room. Just because he thought I did something that I didn’t. He wouldn’t even talk to me about it, let me explain anything. He had his mind made up. 

Here I am sitting here 7 years later. I am still haunted by that day. I remember fights we had after I was off of suicide watch. No matter what I said or did to try and fix that marriage was never enough. I was never enough. 

I began to blame myself on everything. I felt like I had done everything wrong and he was the good guy. Even before this day I felt like I was living with a roommate and not a spouse. I had told him such and told him for years, I was not happy.  When I finally reached out to someone for friendship, I kept the line going. Despite him not liking the guy. 

All I wanted for years in my marriage was to feel wanted. I wanted to feel loved. As the years went on throughout my marriage, it never happened. If it did, it stopped. The feelings of this still play a toll on me today and my relationships. 

All I have wanted is someone to love me. Someone to care for me like I deserve. What hurts is when I try to flirt or show interest in someone nothing ever happens. I get told they are taken. The person becomes so pushy it turns me off. “Well, you can’t have it all” you may be thinking. The truth is I need a healthy relationship. I fear it will never come. 

The one relationship I have that is healthish is with my best friend. He is so many miles from me. Why is it that people who find me worth something are so far away from me?  No one close can seem to tolerate me. Knowing this, I have just given up on dating. Someday someone may come my way. I have accepted that I may be alone the rest of my life. 

It doesn’t stop me from being jealous. It doesn’t stop me from feeling the way I did 7 years ago when my then husband walked out of our bedroom and started to sleep in the spare room.